I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
