what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
