Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
