Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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