Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
