He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
