I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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