I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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