I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
