It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
