I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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