I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Too much gin, very little bucket
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
