My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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