Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
