I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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