I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
