He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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