So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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