I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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