I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
