Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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