I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
