my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
