I would go down on you faster than GM stock
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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