Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
