i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
