Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
