East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
