My underwear smells like fireworks.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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