Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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