Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
