i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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