and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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