I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
