if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
