i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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