I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
