He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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