explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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