i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
