He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
