i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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