you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
