My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
