The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
