I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How does one acquire holy water?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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