I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
