New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
