Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
