Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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